I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
