this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
