I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
