and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
