I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
