Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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