So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
