I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All I want is dick and wine.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
