The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
