I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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