every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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