this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
