cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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