she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize