Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize