Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
