dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I did not marry a roomba.
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