Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
