Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
