he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
