batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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