Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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