Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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