I puked a lego.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
