I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize