At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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