I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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