It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize