that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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