in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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