dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
