im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
