Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
