It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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