i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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