tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
