wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
