There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
