The maid of honor just puked.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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