I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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