Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
