last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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