His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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