Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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