Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
