i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
