I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
