i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
