I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
