I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
