you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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