Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize