i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
nutella sex= disaster
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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