Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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