dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
