Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
