she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
