college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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