I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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