so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
