nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
