we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
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