Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
