Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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