Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
