so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
did i walk over a car last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
